Saturday, December 16, 2006

It Ain't Fucking Frosty


Looking for something new to perk up your holiday viewing? Tired of umpteen reruns of A CHRISTMAS STORY and IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE? Anxious to add something, er, abominable to the season?

Look no further than JACK FROST, the best killer-snowman movie ever made. Yep, it's true. This 1996 black comic horror movie is about a condemned serial killer named Jack Frost (what an amazing coincidence) who's on his way to the death house Richard Kimble-style when the van in which he's riding smashes into a truck carrying an experimental chemical. Kinda like Ray Wise's death in ROBOCOP, Frost is drenched with the chemical, and, as a result, is transformed into a walking, talking snowman, complete with coal eyes, a carrot nose and a demented grin.

Stalking the snowy community of Snowmonton (the snowman capital of the world--what an amazing coincidence), Snowman-Frost seeks revenge against small-town sheriff Sam (busy TV guest star Christopher Allport) and his family. Locked doors are no hindrance, because he can melt himself down to water and then pass through keyholes or under loose jambs. He shoots icicles from his hands like bullets, all the while mocking his victims with Freddy Krueger-like quips like, "I'm the world's most pissed-off snowcone," and, after jamming an axe handle down a guy's throat, "I only axed you for a smoke."

I don't know what writer/director Michael Cooney's budget was, but he could have used another million bucks. Big setpieces like a car crash and an exploding police station are staged completely off-camera, and the big finale involves little more than a pane of candy glass and a pickup truck. You'll also be treated to 23-year-old Shannon Elizabeth's first film appearance. She takes a bath, but doesn't provide any glimpses of the pert (fake) breasts that would vault her to fame in AMERICAN PIE.

OK, so it's a very silly movie, but also a fun (and funny) one. Occasionally mean-spirited, Cooney keeps it relatively gore-free, and all the horror is played for laughs (although a snowman rape scene might test your taste threshold). Allport strikes the right note as a hero with a sense of humor. It's really just the production values that provide the biggest letdown. Cooney obviously filmed someplace without snow, so the streets are clear, and shaving cream drips from the roofs and walls of buildings. Jack Frost is clearly made from foam balls, and you never do get a good look at the entire creature moving around. I'm surprised it wasn't completely rendered using CGI, but I think it wouldn't have looked any better if it had.

Believe it or not, Cooney and Allport returned for a JACK FROST 2.

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